i really dislike the nights i just lay in bed unable to fall asleep. ive been just laying in bed for almost 3 hours now. I'm unsure what all the reasons are; however. i know that a major issue is school next fall. Needless to say, i /need/ to do well this coming semester. It is, without a doubt, the climactic final fight, make it or break it, last and final chance to get back on track.
That's a lot of pressure!
And the bad thing is that 99 percent of that pressure is self inflicted. Its me internalizing what i feel is expected from me from everyone /and/ myself and my desire to not let anyone down.
Im trying to look at things from a different perspective and use that preesure as a positive and motivating force to help push me to do well, and not as a force doing its damned-est to push against me and trying to break me.
After 19 years of carrying the burden of the world, last semester i finally broke. i hurt from the moment i woke up to the time at night when, after tossing and turning and mentally beating myself up for every little mistake that i would finally fall asleep.. where i would dream of losing friends and being chased and just bad dreams in genereal. the once firey soul was but a candle in a hurricane.
im slowly getting back on track. its a slow process, but im taking it in steps.
I'm still new to thos whole making new friends and trusting them thing, but im trying my best.
we'll see how this turns out, but ive always been a persistant one :p
i think i can get to bed now..
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
"Life is about living, not stressing"
A really smart girl once said those words to me.
At a crossroads in my life when I desperately needed words of comfort, I received them.
Every so often; however, I ask myself if the cost of losing a friend was worth it.
...
We were never very good friends, and probably only according to the loosest definition of the term, but every now and then in life you come across a few good people who are remarkably easy to trust. She is a good person, and I trust her. We grew up in the same small town, in the same small school were everyone was in everyone else's business, but we were never close. That's my fault entirely. I loved most, haha.. ok, all my classmates growing up. That's not to say that we all always got along, but in such a small school, it's pointless to write people off, and trust me when I say my elementary/high school was too small to avoid people :p So we all were able to get along. We may have been from a small town, but we all had big dreams. But anyway, before i get sidetracked and write some Hollywood buddy movie one tree hill esque screenplay, I'll get back to what I was saying.
Trust is a very mutual thing, and while I may have found it easy to trust my friend, I doubt I ever did a good job of proving myself trustworthy to her. That's not to say I ever did anything intentionally bad, I know how to keep secrets, but it is simply to say that I was a very reserved and quiet person. I wanted friends, and more than anything in the world I wanted to be accepted. I think everyone wants that, and most people are brave enough to at least attempt to earn acceptance in what can be a very tough world to say the least. My life hasn't always been easy, and I've lost a lot of family members. There are parts of my family history and past that I'll never know now b/c I never asked questions when I had the opportunity. Sometimes I feel completely stuck in life and I honestly can't figure out what kind of person i am (me, obviously, but... I just feel like if I knew more about my dad for instance, I could better define myself since we tend to define ourselves by our connections to life.) All of this is for a different post, however. Needless to say, I became extremely good at keeping everyone at a distance (emotionally). And since it wasn't easy to get to know me, I imagine it was rather annoying and difficult for my friend to, well, be a friend.
There is no doubt in my mind that I would not have started college without her words. Put simply, I was terrified. I wasn't even able to get high school right, and now after 12 years with mostly the same people, I was expected to leave and start school somewhere new with new people? in a butter's-esque south park homage: ahhhhhhhhh lol.
I didn't need an encyclopedia of text (like I seem to be typing now :p), just words to let me know that I would , in fact, be okay so that I could stop worrying (as much lol).
So, in near desperation, I confided in someone I trusted, and she gave me what may seem to be simple advice, but to me at the time, was more than just obvious "stop your worrying!" sort of stuff. It meant something. Just hearing that it would be okay from someone I could trust, let me believe in myself a bit more.
For the record, she was right :). My first semester was awesome. I actually liked the new setting and new faces. I made a few friends, and got great grades. I enjoyed the classes and, most importantly, was happy.
The next semester was a bit rockier, but it was to be expected with harder classes and distance causing old friendships to drift. And it ended okay as well. I was still doing okay.
But by the end of that semester, I had lost my friend.
It wasn't a dramatic, arguing to a crescendo sort of ending, and maybe that's why it hurt the most.
...
Even if I wasn't actually alone, I remember feeling very much alone. I remember sadness, and even tears. Not only because I lost someone I felt I needed as a friend for emotional support, but because of losing quite a few friendships, and beginning that spiral downwards to not believing in myself once again.
And believe me, once you realize that having friends is worth the chance of being betrayed versus keeping everyone at a distance... once you realize just how good it feels to not have to deal with all of life's unfair bullshit alone... to feel like I was being forced back to that lonely existence and no one was willing to step in and stop me from falling deeper and deeper... that's a kind of depression I wouldn't wish on anyone.
... After typing all that, and it being seemingly random to people who don't know me personally and all the crap I've had to deal with, lol, I imagine you still don't understand why I trust someone I wasn't all that close with, and why it hurt to drift away from them.
Unfortunately, that's a story I'm not willing to tell to the world just yet. But I am at another crossroads in my life, and even though I haven't thought about my friend in a long time, I realized that i miss her. Neither of us did anything wrong, so I don't know that there's anything to apologize for... it's just one of those unfair things that life throws at you and our paths in life just weren't meant to cross very often.
Just know that I miss you, my friend, and I'm thankful for the kindness you showed me when I felt alone. Thanks for listening to my worrying (I know for a fact, that I definitely get my worrying from my mom :p), and for your friendship, although short it was meaningful to my life.
Put simply and in a less mushy way (b/c as we all know, guys aren't so great at "feelings and such" according to Sear), you're awesome and I wish you the best.
That's it for this post. And no, it wouldn't have been as much fun to just post that last part and make it really simple to just say that I miss my fiend and not make you read this whole wall of text, you smart ass! LOL (inside joke xP, no need to get offended).
At a crossroads in my life when I desperately needed words of comfort, I received them.
Every so often; however, I ask myself if the cost of losing a friend was worth it.
...
We were never very good friends, and probably only according to the loosest definition of the term, but every now and then in life you come across a few good people who are remarkably easy to trust. She is a good person, and I trust her. We grew up in the same small town, in the same small school were everyone was in everyone else's business, but we were never close. That's my fault entirely. I loved most, haha.. ok, all my classmates growing up. That's not to say that we all always got along, but in such a small school, it's pointless to write people off, and trust me when I say my elementary/high school was too small to avoid people :p So we all were able to get along. We may have been from a small town, but we all had big dreams. But anyway, before i get sidetracked and write some Hollywood buddy movie one tree hill esque screenplay, I'll get back to what I was saying.
Trust is a very mutual thing, and while I may have found it easy to trust my friend, I doubt I ever did a good job of proving myself trustworthy to her. That's not to say I ever did anything intentionally bad, I know how to keep secrets, but it is simply to say that I was a very reserved and quiet person. I wanted friends, and more than anything in the world I wanted to be accepted. I think everyone wants that, and most people are brave enough to at least attempt to earn acceptance in what can be a very tough world to say the least. My life hasn't always been easy, and I've lost a lot of family members. There are parts of my family history and past that I'll never know now b/c I never asked questions when I had the opportunity. Sometimes I feel completely stuck in life and I honestly can't figure out what kind of person i am (me, obviously, but... I just feel like if I knew more about my dad for instance, I could better define myself since we tend to define ourselves by our connections to life.) All of this is for a different post, however. Needless to say, I became extremely good at keeping everyone at a distance (emotionally). And since it wasn't easy to get to know me, I imagine it was rather annoying and difficult for my friend to, well, be a friend.
There is no doubt in my mind that I would not have started college without her words. Put simply, I was terrified. I wasn't even able to get high school right, and now after 12 years with mostly the same people, I was expected to leave and start school somewhere new with new people? in a butter's-esque south park homage: ahhhhhhhhh lol.
I didn't need an encyclopedia of text (like I seem to be typing now :p), just words to let me know that I would , in fact, be okay so that I could stop worrying (as much lol).
So, in near desperation, I confided in someone I trusted, and she gave me what may seem to be simple advice, but to me at the time, was more than just obvious "stop your worrying!" sort of stuff. It meant something. Just hearing that it would be okay from someone I could trust, let me believe in myself a bit more.
For the record, she was right :). My first semester was awesome. I actually liked the new setting and new faces. I made a few friends, and got great grades. I enjoyed the classes and, most importantly, was happy.
The next semester was a bit rockier, but it was to be expected with harder classes and distance causing old friendships to drift. And it ended okay as well. I was still doing okay.
But by the end of that semester, I had lost my friend.
It wasn't a dramatic, arguing to a crescendo sort of ending, and maybe that's why it hurt the most.
...
Even if I wasn't actually alone, I remember feeling very much alone. I remember sadness, and even tears. Not only because I lost someone I felt I needed as a friend for emotional support, but because of losing quite a few friendships, and beginning that spiral downwards to not believing in myself once again.
And believe me, once you realize that having friends is worth the chance of being betrayed versus keeping everyone at a distance... once you realize just how good it feels to not have to deal with all of life's unfair bullshit alone... to feel like I was being forced back to that lonely existence and no one was willing to step in and stop me from falling deeper and deeper... that's a kind of depression I wouldn't wish on anyone.
... After typing all that, and it being seemingly random to people who don't know me personally and all the crap I've had to deal with, lol, I imagine you still don't understand why I trust someone I wasn't all that close with, and why it hurt to drift away from them.
Unfortunately, that's a story I'm not willing to tell to the world just yet. But I am at another crossroads in my life, and even though I haven't thought about my friend in a long time, I realized that i miss her. Neither of us did anything wrong, so I don't know that there's anything to apologize for... it's just one of those unfair things that life throws at you and our paths in life just weren't meant to cross very often.
Just know that I miss you, my friend, and I'm thankful for the kindness you showed me when I felt alone. Thanks for listening to my worrying (I know for a fact, that I definitely get my worrying from my mom :p), and for your friendship, although short it was meaningful to my life.
Put simply and in a less mushy way (b/c as we all know, guys aren't so great at "feelings and such" according to Sear), you're awesome and I wish you the best.
That's it for this post. And no, it wouldn't have been as much fun to just post that last part and make it really simple to just say that I miss my fiend and not make you read this whole wall of text, you smart ass! LOL (inside joke xP, no need to get offended).
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